Rich in heart,

That's what I've earned.

A wealthy, healthy way of feeling.

Life has struck deep and hard with its trials and tribulations.

Being single, being alone. Modern dating and all its frustrations.

Broken loves like boxers gloves pounding at my face.

I've learned to deal with it with grace.

That's how you survive this race.

Choose to be hardened, or decide to stay warm.

It's a choice, you see.

Divorce, custody.

Dirty words.

Sharp talons ripping at your soul.

Each taking its toll.

Choose to be dulled or let life sharpen you into a sword.

My edge is honed to razor keenness. But I'm not a weapon to destruct.

I'm a weapon to cut.

Slice out the bad things. I'm ultimately APPRECIATIVE for my woes.

I want to be in Love again.

Not again and again and again.

So I choose to take what I've learned,

and earned,

And continue to be a better man.

A better man, a BETTER Dad.

The best that my son has ever had.

This GIFT of pain that I've been given to GAIN,

... I'm thankful for.

I Just don't want more.....

******** I wrote this and realized a few minutes later that none of it was from my heart. It was cold and angry and factual. But the truth is, this has been the most harmful thing I've ever gone through. Worse than my divorce. Worse than my custody case

I loved her. I REALLY TRULY loved her. And she did not believe it because she CAN"T.

Nothing I could do was good enough. She did not get the little romantic things, she was always looking for the hidden meaning. There was none, I simply wanted her to feel.

She can't love she can only own, and now that she doesn't own me, she has to hurt me.

I have to protect myself. Thats all that I have left. ******

Well I did something last week that I never wanted to do. I Filed harassement charges against my ex-girlfriend. All I wanted was for her to leave me alone, but she could not do that.

When she goes out partying, she texts me, "U wish, suck me", "U wish". From 9 pm to 2 am thats what I get.

I ignored them all until last week. Last week I started getting emails from my friends on my myspace page. I created this page only 2 weeks ago and I changed my name and my email so she could not find me, but she must have spent hours looking at pictures because she did.

So my myspace friends, most of whom I've never met, email to tell me that they are getting emails from a dummy myspace account, pretending to be a male friend of my ex-girlfriend. He supposedly knows me too.

This friend, who took the time to search all of Texas to find my hidden myspace, goes on to tell all these people to beware of me. I have devastated a very kind hearted, single mother of two. Her kids are actually in therapy because of what I've done.

On and on and on.

Of course it is too obviously written by her. At one point she even states how beautiful she is and how "all the men at church want to date her."

Ridiculous.

No one is dumb enough to give it any credence and instead she looks silly.

But that was it. I honestly cannot take anymore. I just WANT HER TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

Im 500 miles away from her now! Can she not just go away!

So I filed charges.

The Investigator called her and told her to stop calling, texting or emailing.

Within an hour she had texted me some random nonsense text.

What a rebel.

And so obvious.

The Investigator actually did not believe me until I got the text. Go J! Once again you made yourself look like an ass, but its ok, you'll find a way to blame me for it.

She's just looking for a response, and I'm totally done with her.

Thats going to drive her nuts.

J, Get Help.

Blogging just to blog....

Today I woke up with a feeling of .... something happening. I can't explain it, but as I awoke I felt as if a weight was on me.

The last month or so has had some ups and downs in it, but there really is nothing new that I'm aware of. Nevertheless I have felt all day as if I was going to be receiving bad news from someone.

So, I was bound and determined that I was going to have a good day if it killed me, and so far I have.

It's been a day of unanswered and unreturned phone calls. No replies to texts... even Raoul, the guy that works with me, has been feeling this unexplained and unwarranted feeling of something impending happening, Or maybe that was just lunch... we DID have Mexican food....

So why do we have these days? well I can't explain it, but I believe that, in the past, my intuition has been more correct than mistaken.
Nothing has happened yet....

So, what do I do about it? One word, pray. This is MY feeling, no one else is responsible for it. If this is a spiritual attack, then the authority to denounce and rebuke it has already been given to me and its simply up to me to have the faith that everything happens for a purpose and nothing is going to happen that I cannot handle.

Hmm its almost like a premonition/déjà vu feeling. There's a new word for you! Déjà-nition? Premo-vu?

So, what's been happening in my life lately? You know, its strange, I have no problem talking and listening to people when they want to vent, but I definitely have a hard time writing a blog about myself. As a matter of fact, I have a memory associated with this:
I think I was about 12 years old and I'd been at church camp for two weeks. My mother came to pick me up on the last day of camp, and we gave a ride to a neighbor girl.

I remember sitting in the car listening to her tell my mother about her experiences over the last 2 weeks. She prefaced each sentence with "I did this" or "I did that" or "I said to so-and-so" and I remember being shocked. You mean I can tell someone stuff that I did? I think in the past, whenever I had communicated something specific that I had accomplished to my parents, I had always spoken about it in the third person, as if it was someone else.
I experimented with that a bit.

"I won the archery contest we had during camp."

What a weird feeling! Even stranger now looking back on it and wondering why exactly I had such a hard time taking credit for the good things that I was doing?

Honestly, I believe it was because I had been trying for so long NOT to get attention from my parents for anything at all. Attention from them was not always a good thing.

I remember hearing someone in the Air Force say to me once, Any attention is good attention when it makes you stand out from the crowd.
Not when I was a kid.

Well after my epiphany I think I went a bit overboard. I had to tell EVERYONE my accomplishments, and this lasted well into my 20's. (Hey, they weren't THAT long ago).

I was coined as arrogant. I hated that, but I believed it too. I firmly believe that arrogant people are generally that way because they did not receive the attention they wanted/needed when they were young, so they promote themselves to themselves.

Kinda sad.

So anyway, here I am at 39. I'm healthy, I've survived a horrendous divorce. I had custody of my son then lost him 2 years later.  I had been in a heart-rending and unhealthy relationship for the last you-don't-want-to-know-how-long that has demolished a lot of my friendships because I have continually made poor choices.

I seriously want to mend those bridges.

But I am an optimistic person and I believe that great things will be happening. Maybe they are, and that's what this feeling today is. Maybe this is a mis-interpretation based on the past year. If so, I welcome it.
I'm still single. I'm still alone but am unwilling to fill my time with silliness, dishonesty, manipulation. I will not make the same choices again. I will not be with someone who cannot return affection, who refuses to be vulnerable or who cannot forgive. I must not spend time with anyone that refuses to take responsibility for their actions.
From here my path is up.

It's occurred to me that the worldy path I am on the easy one. The amazing thing is that God's path for me is always nearby. If I'm not currently walking on it I can stop at any point, repent and poof! there's his path again. No matter where I stand, his way is always available. He's always perfectly forgiving. He's always unconditionally loving.
I've heard it said that there is only one thing that is not omniscient or omnipotent about God, and that's his Patience.

In the Bible, the only thing that God has ever lost was his patience.
What thing can you imagine being worse than having God lose patience with you?

I think that I have come near to that this last year.

I'm rambling.... but it feels good to write.

There have been a lot of good things happening this week. I have hopes for growing relationships.

My relationship with my mother is better than its ever been. (Amazing to anyone who knows us).

And with the exception of a very strange Mexican treat, I've not seen hide nor hair of either an Eggplant or a Lima bean. Evil things, especially when combined.

Thank you friends for sticking by me while I was acting like an idiot.

Hang on, I'm becoming me again.

I'm sitting here today wanting to write something, but I cannot think of any specific topic.

I have plenty of unpleasant things I could write about, but just do not feel like it. So what do you do when you want to write but can't think?

Well, I love boxing. I could talk your ear off about my favorite boxers, Arturo Gatti, Mickey Ward and Manny Pacquiao, but no one wants to read that.

Mixed Martial Arts... not only do I love watching it, but I've trained in Brazilian Jiu jitsu. Again though, no one wants to read that either.

So I have an idea. Ill post some of my favorite pictures and explain what was going on when I took them.

These two pictures were taken on the same morning, almost two years ago.

My ex-girlfriend took me up to her Father's house in Arkansas. A surprise birthday party was planned for him and it was my first meeting with her brothers and sisters.

It was an amazing weekend for me. She was on her P's and Q's and we had some very good quality time together.

The second morning I was there I got up early and walked out into an adjacent field by myself. I noticed dew covered spiderwebs everywhere I looked and knelt down low in the grass to see if I could get a close-up to work.

While kneeling I realized just how beautiful the grass was and started snapping photos. These two pictures were taken with a wide-angle lens, focused on the subject using a very large aperture to fully blur the background.

They may be my favorite photos that I've ever taken, if only because of the memories attached.... the next day she broke up... lol. Par for the course.

In October of 2006 I was able to join a mission trip to South Africa. The charity, Ten thousand homes, focuses on building homes for AIDS orphans. Myself and a fellow volunteer, Tyler, left early in the second week to build a home for two young women who were being molested by their uncle. They lived in the town of Cork, South Africa and the local teacher had donated land in the rear of her house for us to build on. We hired these three local tribesmen to help us build the home. I can still remember three of their names, starting with the second from the left:Levis, Stephen and Dominick. They worked for a rate of $4 a day total, which they used to buy themselves food. $4 was a windfall for them. I'd have loved to have paid them more, but that would only have made it more difficult to hire in the future because then the precedent would be set at a much too high rate for that area.

Dominick, here on the far right, showed up the first day with only one shoe on. I asked him where his other shoe was and he replied,

"I lost it".

Ok, no worries. The next day he showed up again, once more without a second shoe. I said to him, "You didn't find your shoe?"

His reply was, "I lost if 6 months ago."

I asked why he was still wearing the one.

"It's my only shoe, why would I throw it away?"

Wow, lesson learned. Those words come to mind now anytime I'm feeling like I am not keeping up with the Jones'.

This is what a charging African Elephant looks like from 30 yards...

While in Africa we went on a drive through the Krueger National Wildlife refuge. Towards the end of the evening we came around a bend in the road and met this guy standing smack dab in its middle. The car ahead of us tried to get around him and he spooked. He turned and the first thing he was was our van and charged.

So there I was hanging out the left side of the van snapping photos while he came rushing at us! No kidding!

This was at 10 feet. Thankfully he turned around at that distance and rushed off of the side of the road. Our van was definitely not as large as he was and if he'd wanted too, he could have killed us all.

Ironically, one week later I was working on a house in Plano Texas. I came through the back gate and through the patio doors charged 2 very angry Great Danes. My first impulse was to turn and run, but then I remembered being charged by the elephant.

I through down my tools and shouted at the dogs, "GET BACK IN THAT HOUSE!"

I don't think they expected that, and they sheepishly turned and re-entered there home.

Kind of put things into perspective for me!

Morning's bells wake me and I step groggily from my bed.

Floor's cold touch creeps upward as I frantically find my socks.

Donning said socks cures the icy attack and I slip/slide towards my door..

and into the hallway.

Silently I ease open his  door and allow my eyes to adjust.

A lump in a fetal shape mounds the comforter of a twin sized bed.

I sneak on tipped toes to its edge and see my field of flowers.

So beautiful. So sweet, so asleep.

I lay down beside him and can feel his warmth even through the down.

"There's a Tyrannosaurus loose", I say, "Only you can save us! Please wake up Sir Joshie, and fight him for us!"

One brilliantly brown eye slides open and peeks at me.

"Super Josh, its time to get up, you have to save the world!"

I'm rewarded with the sun when the corners of his mouth begin to turn up.

The war has just begun. The eye closes and sleep is feigned.

I up the ante by brushing his neck lightly with one finger.

I know Joshua's kryptonite. It's the same as mine.

We are ticklish to the core.

He shivers  like a red wriggler on a hook.

"Daddy", he whispers, "I love you, but stop".

His breath smells so horrible/wonderful. Something died in there during the night.

I don't care, I miss that scent.

"Son", says his father, "It's time for school."

I have a very good friend with an absolute hatred for eggplant.  While talking one day I admitted to her that I hated Lima beans. In fact, I'd had a hatred for all things Lima since I'd been a little boy.  We agreed that if the two were to combine into one, they would form the most hideous substance in the world.

On that note, I wrote this:

Once upon a time, not long ago,
when people lived in huts and grew their food in rows.

There was a little town called South Hampton by the Sea,And all the people there lived in extasy!

But there upon a hill in a house made of wood,
there lived an evil scientist whos heart was no good.

The folks in that there town had made fun of him you see,
and it was in his head to let them feel his misery.

So he decided to make a monster that would make them die of fright,
but couldn't think of nothin' scary enough, (he really wasn't bright).

So he asked his little nephew, "Hey just what is grossest to you?"
And his nephew promptly told him, "Eggplant and Lima beans EWWW."

"Aha", thought the Mad Scientist, "Now I have to the plan!"
"I'll make an evil veggie out of Eggplant, Beans and sand!"

So for days he toiled and and suffered in his workshop under ground,
Until he finally finished and his monster came around!

Out the door he pushed it and he pointed at the village,
"Kill yon mean old people, Smush them, smash and then PILLAGE!"

12 feet of purple Eggplant walked, on legs like collared greens!
And everywhere it went all the people were heard to scream!

"Save us from this evil! Oh God help us were in need!"
"We're sorry evil scientist for all our evil deeds!"

Then out of one small house came a little peasant girl.
She looked at the evil eggplant and her eyes began to swirl.

"I hate eggplants." She screamed, "And you promised me, oh mother!"
"That never again would I eat one, just the thought does make me smother!"

And with that she ran up on it and she slapped it with her hand,
And out gushed milky bean juice, purple mush and then some sand!

"You saved us little girl! You turned that monster into GOOK!"
"I do not like eggplant," she said, "They simply make me PUKE!"

The moral of this story is, there is no sense in it,
Except that Eggplants and Lima beans will always taste like shit!

Tangled, dense, heavy is my heart.
Once more, by choice, I slid down this hill, knowing that a sharp-toothed monster waited at the bottom.
Pain raises its hand against me, encompassing my mind and hindering my release.

Peace.

The tease,

I seek.

I cry out to God, but my heart is not there. Another want has taken his rightful place.
How do I, knowing what I know, continue to do what I do? What mis-leads my mind into believing that this time could be different?

I make these decisions. I accept that fully.

Forgive me for my foolishness. I am crying out, once again, for acceptance.
Untidy heart, I lay no claim to you. I rebuke you and reclaim my heart of joy.

No longer a toy. This man with the heart of a boy. I reject your ploy.

Soft and comfy inside but hidden in a shell of the strongest alloy.

My light shines forth, blinding those nearby.

I cry.

But they're tears of overcoming.

Overcoming this indignant desert that I chose to wander. My want of water has caused me to drink from the glass that was forever close.

I shove that glass away.

Not today. Today I pray.

Today I close that door and choose to ignore.

Untidy heart I sweep away the webs and spring clean the forgotten corners.

Words of power spoken into me by my father. Word curses hurled by an angry mother like David's stone.

Striking bone. Causing me to fall.

I stand up and choose to live. To give.

To forgive.

From now on my mind is a sieve.

Evil things pass through and I keep the good.

I choose to awaken, armed with the sharp tools that God has given me to succeed. To feed, to breed happiness.

That is my seed.

I plant it in fertile soil. A smile here. A hand there, spreading good feeling.

Think, Act, Feel. Thats the deal.

Change the way you Think.

Act like you choose to be.

And you will Feel the way you want.

Ignore the Devil's taunt.

He has no power over you.

Untangled now is my heart.

Once more, by choice, I Almost slid down that hill.

Where on earth have my feelings gone?

Replaced with numb,

dumb,

thoughts of emotion.

I hide myself behind a curtain of rain.

Hardened is my heart to the outside eye,

But inside Im soft like cotton

Thick skinned but thin organed, every word hurts.

And yet I let the wounder in again,

and again,

and again.

“I hate loving you”, she says, “And its your fault always”.

“Why cant you be the man that I thought you were?”

“You were never the woman you needed to be to have the man I am”, I tell her, but as usual it goes in one and out the other.

Im forever responsible.

I’ve tried every way possible but its NOT possible.

Nothing can fix this and and now Im afraid that, even if a miracle occurred,

I’d not believe.

Its too late.

I’ve told her never again. I will not take her back.

She runs with it, but keeps poking.

Texting, calling.

Little mean things to remind me that somewhere she is there and she has not forgotten.

She won’t let me forget.

She doesn’t WANT me to forget.

Control is and has always been her issue.

I’ve moved nine hours away from my son, to hide from her yet somehow she still knows.

I remember the glory days when things were bright and she was my sun.

Shining, glowing, I felt the heat of her passions and fell in Love.

“When did it happen?”, she asks me. “When did I fall in love with you?”

I tell her she never did. She cannot love.

She can only own.

I refuse to be owned.

I fight the hook. I’m determined that I will be the one that got away.

How many others has she done this too?

I’ve read the letters. I’ve seen their pain. The ones she said treated her so badly.

That caused her to be this way.

Their complaints are the same as mine….

Maybe they aren’t as bad as she claims. My whole world is in shambles.

What is there to believe from her?

Who is she? How can she say the things she says?

How can someone enjoy causing so much pain?

She hurts. She aches. She wants to cry but can’t.

She has begged me to help her. Some part of her knows what she does.

Borderline is what the therapists say, but never to her face.

No one ever says anything to her face.

They tell me, then suggest I run away.

I ran.

But I left something behind.

Where on earth have my feelings gone?

How can I return to the other side of rain?

Three years ago my wife and I divorced and the court awarded me primary conservatorship of my son, Joshua.

Being a father was something that I had never planned on. I waited eight years before giving in to my ex-wife's wishes to be parents. I thought that having a child would slow me down. Ground me. Restrain my freedom of movement. I lived the outdoorsman's dream life, an Alaskan sportsman. Why would I ever want to ruin it by having children?

On June 6, of 1999 my son was born and all my misgivings were tossed out the window. Why on earth would I ever NOT want to be a father? Forget adventure, fishing, hunting and skiing! I just wanted to spend time with him.

We left Alaska and moved to Texas because we did not want to be introducing him to his grandparents once yearly. How amazing to me that being a father could make me change not just my lifestyle but my environment like that?

I was a very good dad. The court in Texas is not known to favor Father's and yet they chose me to be the primary parent, and there was no way I was going to let them down.

Consistency was my primary focus. Especially because of the upheaval his mother and I had introduced into his life because of the divorce. I believe in strong boundaries and I had rules that were not stretchable. Joshua knew in advance what the repercussions were before he ever committed a transgression. I had talked to counselors and they all agreed that the key to Joshua adjusting well to his new situation was not leniency because I felt sorry for him, but maintaining strong boundaries to make him feel more comfortable.

My hometown's Elementary schools have a system of colors designating your child's behavior. A yellow means they got in trouble once that day. An orange was indicative of multiple acts and a red meant a trip to the Principals office.

One yellow meant that Josh lost a privilege the following day, Computer or TV. Two Yellows in a week was a spanking. an Orange or a Red was an automatic spanking.

One week Joshua came home with an Orange on Monday. We talked, and Joshua got a spanking.

The next day was a yellow, and he was spanked again.

The third day was a red, and Joshua was spanked once more.

Thursday he came home crying. I asked what was wrong and he said, "Daddy, I get another spanking today."

My heart was broken. There was no way on earth that I wanted to go through that again. I looked at him and I couldn't help but to cry,

"Joshua, do you know how much I love you? Do you understand that the last thing I want to do is to spank you?"

He said yes and looked at me crying.

"What am I going to do? Joshua, I don't want to punish you, I want to hug you. Do you believe me?"

Joshua hugged me, sobbing, and said, "Yes Daddy, I'm sorry, I don't want to make you spank me. I want you to hug me too."

We sat like that for half an hour, crying, until we both fell asleep.

The next day I picked Josh up from school and the first thing I asked when he got into the car was, "How did you do today?"

Joshua answered, "Daddy, today I get a hug."

Every day after that for six months I was answered with the same reply;

"Daddy, today I get a hug."

One day Joshua's Principal called me at home.

"Mr. Szilva", she said, "I have something special for Joshua at the awards ceremony tomorrow and I think you might want to be there".

I told her I wouldn't miss it for the world.

The next day I entered the auditorium of Hartman Elementary and took a seat in the front row. Sitting cross-legged in front of the stage were all of Hartman's students. I made out Joshua and got his attention, waving at him.

On the stage, behind the podium was a single chair, sitting up there all by its lonesome. I pictured the Principal, Mrs. Speicher, using it while she addressed the crowd. Instead she walked in, and addressed the students from the auditorium floor.

"Today', she announced, "I'm happy to give an award to a very special student. This student has made me prouder than any other child I've known and this award is the most special one I've ever given. This young man has had  a difficult year, starting it out with yellows, oranges and reds every week. This has changed though and I'd like Joshua to please come take the seat on the stage.

Joshua looked up with shock on his face. He'd had no idea he was getting anything at all. He looked at me with his mouth opened then headed to Mrs. Speicher. Mrs. Speicher draped a ribbon with a medal on it around his neck, and pointed to the solo chair sitting on the stage.

"Joshua has not had a bad mark in six months". She announced and lead the crowd in applause.

I watched my son sitting there, and could not help but to cry.

In public.

I did not care, that was MY son and I would never be prouder in my entire life.

Joshua sat there like a little gentleman and every once in a while he'd look over at me and give me a quick wave.

I am so glad I ruined my life by having a child.

This is a story about a hero and a small town. This is a true story.

Here is a letter I wrote for one of the most amazing people I've had the pleasure too know.

In loving remembrance; Donnie Worthington

"Do you know how old I am?",

"YES Donnie, I know you are 50! You ask me that every time I see you!"

Today a hero passed away and right now I'm wishing that he would ask me that one more time.

Nine months ago I moved into Lakeside Village here in Wylie. Among the first people to welcome me was Donnie.

I'd seen Donnie around, everyone had. With his head down and his letter jacket on, Donnie would be walking all over town, but more often heading towards or returning from the High School where he volunteered.

I'd underestimated Donnie. I went by appearances and kind of blew him off a bit. I was probably a bit patronizing in fact.

As those of you familiar with Donnie know, Donnie was a very special man. He was a Special Olympian who loved to show you his medals. He had dozens of them and carried them all by their ribbons on a coathanger.

He made it his job to guard those of us who lived near him. It wasn't uncommon at all for me to come home and find Donnie at my door telling me that my apartment was secure and that he'd continue to keep an eye on it for me.

Then one day about 3 months ago I received news that my father was going into surgery for emergency triple bypass. I was downstairs praying with another friend when Donnie came out. He asked me the situation, gave me a hug, prayed for me, then went back into his house. A couple minutes later he returned and handed me a five dollar bill.

"Take this and use it for gas", he said. "I know its not much but its all I have. I'd give more if I had it".

I tried to argue with him, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

...And that was Donnie. Willing always to help. And that is what he is famous for. Donnie did more with what God gave him then most people who you would consider to be normal.

Donnie was a Hero, plain and simple. One of my Heroes, and I'm going to miss him.

This entire town is going to miss him. Donnie is an icon here. Bigger than life. He's Radio to the Wylie Pirates. This little man gave all he had to anyone who needed it and for nothing!

There is a lesson in this. God gives us health. God gives us life. God gives us love.

                                                              USE IT.

Wylie, Texas was a small town when I moved there. A very small town just a few miles from Plano Texas and only 20 miles from Dallas itself. Southfork Ranch, the home of the Dallas television series is only 10 miles away in the town of Parker.

In 1977 Wylie fielded its first and last state championship football team. In Texas, where football is king, that was monumental. The players on that team are still, even in 2008, heroes of the town and can't buy a beer or a meal anywhere they go. Strangely enough they're all still in town too, working as Groundskeepers for the school district and other labor type positions. Its almost like they'd rather go through life at minimum wage than move away from the fame they earned as teenagers.

One of those team members was a special needs kid named Donnie Worthington. Donnie did not play, but he dressed for the team. Donnie was the water-boy, the towel-boy and honorary coach's assistant.

I moved to Wylie in 2001. At that time the population was 8000 and if you wanted fast food you had two choices, Wendy's or Taco Bell. We had one supermarket and you had to drive 15 minutes to find a traffic jam.

Within a few years the population had reached 30,000 and we had a Walmart, an Albertson's and 6 lanes heading into and out of town. Still the it maintained a small town feel. Farms were randomly placed in neighborhoods. One place even has a couple of camels and zebras living in the front yard!

Donna was a fixture in this town. He was the town mascot. 30 years after his team took top in state, Donnie was still here, given a position at the high school as an honorary coach.

He was a very busy little man, walking everywhere. At 6:30 am you would find him in his letter jacket, proudly displaying his championship patch, hiking head down towards the high school. He seldom walked the entire distance, there was always someone who would stop and pick him up.

I heard a story from a friend of mine. She was new in town and stopped at a light. Suddenly the rear passenger door opened and in stepped Donnie. Before she could ask what he was doing, he nodded at her and said, "Thank you ma'am". She realized that he was different, and drove him up the road to his home.

That was Donnie. He was so used to being loved and loving, that it never occurred to him someone might not know who he was.

I met Donnie when I moved into my apartments. Every single day Donnie would greet me with "Do you know how old I am?" and every day I'd answer, "yes Donnie, your 50." Step two was him showing me his special Olympic medals.

It wasn't until my father's surgery and Donnie's gift of $5 that I really put him where he needed to be in my regard.

Donnie was an amazing man. As amazing as any war hero. As amazing as any star athlete. As amazing as any celebrity you could ever want to meet.

There's a movie in Donnie's life and the way he touched my hometown. It's an Oscar winner, and I picture Paul Giamatti playing the starring role. A well written mixture of Rudy and Radio.

There have been times when I've hated living there, but right now I miss it, because Wylie has a heart. Donnie's heart. Drive through town today, 2 years after his death, and you will still see "In loving Memory of Donnie Worthington" signs in the store windows.

Donnie was a Christian at its base level. The BEST level. How incredible it must be to know God on his level of focus? Without the influences of life that most of the population suffer from?

How awesome to have a child's heart, mind and faith at 50 years of age?

Heaven is better off now, than it was 2 years ago because this incredible little hero lives there.

And one of these days, I get to see him again.

It's Thanksgiving day and I'm sitting here alone, cooking a chicken for myself. My father is coming over in a bit, but he's currently just as single as I am. My mother has left him after 35 years of marriage.

I'm not especially sad, I could be spending this day with someone, but I choose not too. Maybe that's a sign of healing. In three years time, dating the same woman for the majority of it, I've spent three holidays with her, and she broke up on one of them.

Such is life dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is not about her though, this is about me. I was awakened this morning by texts from an ex-girlfriend. She has had three dates that I know of this week. Guys are literally fighting over her time.

Another ex-girlfriend messaged me yesterday. She was upset because she wasn't seeing her boyfriend enough.

"I'm only seeing him for five minutes at a time and I need more".

I'd kill to be seeing someone for five minutes at a time. Honestly, I'm nowhere near where I need to be to be dating. My last relationship kicked the living shit out of me. I put so much into it, tried so hard, so many ways and failed everytime, but not because of anything I did. I failed because she has an illness and nothing I could do would ever matter.

I've loved three women in my life. My ex-fiance I met when I was 18. We dated for a year before I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Ten days before our wedding date, she disappeared. I know where she went, and I know why she did it, and I also know that within a few months she had realized she'd made a mistake. By that time I had moved on.

I hadn't just moved on, I'd hardened my heart. I'd became confrontational, angry, arrogant, overbearing. I did not like myself much.

My second love was my ex-wife. I met her at a party and she got so drunk that we had to change the party's location because of her crying. A few days later a mutual friend set us up and we began dating. We married in 1992 and had our first and only child in 1999.

My ex-wife did not get a good deal when she got me. I was not the good guy I had been before my ex-fiance. She married the hardened, sarcastic man that I became afterwards, but that was ok, that's what she had grown up with, so it felt right for her.

Having my son changed me. Joshua amazed me. He gave me life. He made me want to be worth him, and my walls dropped. I remember one day specifically where I could literally feel the anger seeping out of me.

I began to like people again. I fell in love with my wife and I became a great husband and wonderful dad. I learned to cook, to clean, to care for people. I began to like myself again. My church asked me to work with the youth based on my relationship with my son!

This unsettled my wife and she found someone else. I'd just become too good for her. How crazy is that?  She married her boss within a few months of our divorce.

Amazingly enough, the judge at our divorce trial gave me custody of my son. I lost custody of him 2 years later.

My third love was my recent ex-girlfriend. I met her at a church meeting and for the first 6 months we were friends she was morally and ethically above reproach. She made me sit on a different couch so that we wouldn't be faced with temptation. We tried doing everything in a Godly manner. She was so very impressive! Beautiful, intelligent and joyful. I knew she had a past, a very sordid past, but I also saw daily evidence that she was working on herself and making changes. I knew this was possible because, after all, what had happened in my life?

After being friends for months we began dating and everything changed in an instant. I remember going to her house to prepare for our first date, and this woman who demanded that we not share a couch answered the door topless! She walked around her house asking me what shirt she should wear and I just stood there confused. What the hell was going on?

Our first date ended with me driving her home and her completely naked in my car. I had to carry her upstairs like that and put her to bed.

Needless to say, I gave in and hell ensued. Three years of dealing with massively changing moods and her sexual instability. Demanding we be celibate and telling me that I needed to be a man that could say no to her, and then an hour later walking up to me in nothing but a miniskirt and 6" heels and telling me, "Say no now".

I've finally, after three years, rid myself of her emotionally. She still harasses me with texts and calls, but I can deal with them now.

No, I cannot just change my number, its a business phone, but I am able to ignore her and not respond.

This does not mean I like being alone though. I think about it a lot. Thank heavens I'm not the kind of guy that will take any warm body to fill the emptiness. I'm too stubborn for that.

I demand chemistry. I will no longer settle for less than I deserve. Less than my son deserves.

I have messed up some good possibilities in the last couple of years too. I have hurt people I care for because I was not over my borderline girlfriend. Who knows where I would be right now if Id been thinking levelly?

So, I'm sitting here alone on thanksgiving and I'm giving my thanks

Thank you to my good friends who have been through all of this with me and still accept my calls.

Thank you Anna and Good Jennifer for still being my friend after I mangled your hearts.

Thank you Joshua for being my son. You amaze me and you make me so proud.

I promise you I will be strong and be worth your consideration.

J and I had been dating for most of the past 2 years. We'd had some time apart but got back together shortly before Christmas and things were going amazingly.

As always with J, my borderline girlfriend, that was when the worst could and would happen.

I was at work on the morning of December 21st when I received a text message from her. "I love you" was all it said, but it made me feel amazing! The rest of the day flew by and I could not wait to get home to see her.

At 4:30 that afternoon she called and I answered it,

"Steve, I need you", she was crying frantically. "I'm sick, I'm drunk, come get me".

I asked her where she was and why she was drunk at 4:30 in the afternoon, but she was very nearly incoherent and I couldn't make out much of what she said.

She called repeatedly and after several attempted conversations I understood that she was locked in her truck outside a restaurant near I35 and Harry Hines Blvd. I knew exactly what that meant. J was a stripper for 8 years during her early 20's and was currently short on money to buy Christmas gifts for her children. I suspected that she had gone to work at a strip club that day in a last ditch effort to support her family's holiday.

She hadn't danced for the better part of 5 years and it upset me greatly to think that my girlfriend was naked in front of other men. Especially since the two of us were trying very hard to have a celibate relationship ourselves.

I drove 30 miles to her location and found her easily enough outside Papadeux restaurant, slumped and unconscious over her steering wheel. I got her to unlock her door and carried her to my car. I then grabbed her bag and saw that it was indeed filled with "stripper clothes". Her lingerie and 6" clear high heels. There was also a huge wad of $20s laying atop it all.

I retrieved her phone, fastened her seat belt, and we headed home.

Halfway there her phone rang and I opened it to see who it was from. It was a text from someone named Eric:

"Hey, it was nice meeting you, I hope to see you when I get back from New York."

I decided to wait until she was feeling a bit better to climb that mountain.

After arriving home, I carried her upstairs and put her into her bed.

J writhed and moaned and cried and It was pretty obvious that she wasn't drunk, something else was the matter with her. When she had a moment of clarity I asked her and she told me that she'd been drugged with the date rape drug GHB. I looked it up online and it was apparent that she was correct.

For the next 12 hours I babysat her. I'd fall asleep and wake to hear her calling my name, and I'd find her in her bathtub, or curled up naked in her closet with a hair dryer blowing on her. She'd alternate between shivering uncontrollably and stating how cold she was to taking off all of her clothes because she felt too hot.

Finally she began to feel better and slept.

When she awoke I let her know how I felt. Here was the woman I loved, dancing for other men. Who was the man texting her? Why did she text the I love you message to me earlier that day, and was there anything else she wasn't telling me?

She told me that, yes, she had gone to the strip bar to make money for Christmas, and was successful by the way, having made $400 in about 4 hours. While there she had danced for Eric and given him her number. I asked why she had done that, and she told me she had done it to hurt me.

Hurt me for what? What had I done to her?

She had no answer to that, but defended herself by saying;

"Steve, there's been no one else for me but you since we met. Yes I gave him my number, but I would blow him off just like I've blown everyone else off since this began. Don't you get it? I moved here to be away from men. To get out of the lifestyle I was in, and I met you. There's no one else for me.

There is no rationality in that sentence, and therefore wasn't worth arguing about. I knew in my heart that she was wrong, knew I was a pussy for not kicking her out right then, hated myself for the weakness she caused in me, but still hoped that a miracle would occur and she would see things the way normal people did.

Lost cause.

She then informed me that she had called her ex-boyfriend John to come and watch her dance, supposedly because he would pay her to dance and she wouldn't have to do it for strangers.

She could not understand why that would make me feel so horrible, her dancing naked for another man, an ex relationship of hers, while she and I tried so hard to not tempt or be tempted by each other.

I asked why she would curl up in her closet the way she had and was told that when she was growing up she had felt that her closet was the only safe place in her house. When her mother was abusive to her, she'd hunker down under her clothes and hide until she left.

None of this was normal behavior. We'd talked several times about her past and for the longest time I'd pitied her for what she'd gone through, but now I was doubting it. I'd met her family and I'd seen their interaction. I also knew how she was with me. It was almost like she tried her hardest to MAKE me abuse her. She pushed every button I had hoping to get me to get so angry that I would hit her. Me hitting her would justify every bad opinion she had of me and in some strange way, would provide her satisfaction.

That's not me.

Instead I decided that I would not leave her like everyone else had. That I would love her regardless of her quirks and that I would support her and try to be her stability no matter where she went emotionally.

There is no defense for my behavior. I was an enabler, and she was manipulative and massively controlling. I allowed her to behave badly and did not state my true thoughts because I wanted to avoid a fight. Besides, J fought with no intention to end it. It would only escalate until I was forced to leave.

Completely pointless.

Strangely enough that day ended wonderfully. We spent it together. She was emotionally depleted and very loving, and we had a wonderful evening. In my illness as a co-dependant enabler I was so satisfied by this attention that I forgave and forgot everything.

Christmas was wonderful together. All of our kids were happy and satisfied and my biggest fear, spending Christmas alone, was not realized.

Once again I chose to stay in this unfit and unhealthy relationship and it was to change my life for the negative.

My fault entirely.

3 years ago my wife left me.

I had no warning. I suspected nothing. Her best friend called me and informed me that she had been cheating on me for 3 years. It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

When I looked at my life I realized that I had nobody but my son and my wife, and now she was gone.

I reached out to my church and they put me in contact with some men that I could talk too.

Four days after she left I visited a singles group meeting at a member’s house. I walked in and there were 9 or 10 men and women sitting around watching football and having a blast. I was overjoyed just to have some place to be. I was not used to being alone.

They introduced themselves to me but only one stuck out. She was beautiful.

In my broken state of mind I still noticed her enough to make an effort to remember her name. We never talked and my attention soon returned to my divorce situation.

As the months progressed we talked more and more, but never about us, always about my divorce and how hard I was trying to fix things between myself and my wife. She was wholeheartedly behind the reconciliation because our spiritual beliefs place the union of marriage before anything.

She began coming over to my house to work out every day. My roommate had a major crush on her, he'd asked her out 5 or 6 times in the last couple of years only to be rebuffed. I remember thinking just how lucky he was to have her interested in him.

On New Year’s Day 2005 I spoke about my divorce in front of my church. It was amazingly nerve-wracking being up there in front of 600 people and airing my laundry, but I made it through it.

I went home and there was my roommate, beaming at me.

"Wow man, what’s got you so happy?” I asked.

"I had the most incredible day", he answered. "J and I went bike riding for 3 hours and then sat at Chipotle and just talked forever. It was the best time I've ever had."

I felt something when he said that. I could feel my insides twisting and I went upstairs to think about it. After a while I realized what it was, I was jealous!

Where did that come from?

So I left my house and drove over to J's.

I knocked and she answered.

"I need to talk to you", I told her. "Look, there’s a reason I keep breaking things around you. There’s a reason I dropped your chiminea, broke 2 of your glasses and fell over your patio chair."

"I like you and you make me nervous."

There, I'd put it out there as plainly as I could and I was expecting to get stung. How lucky was my roommate?

"Duh", she replied, "I like you too Steve. Why do you think I have been coming over for all these months?"

"I thought you liked my roommate?"

"No dummy. It’s you."

I remember saying, "Oh ok", turning around, and driving home.

Just like that. Real smooth Steve!

Cloud nine. I know where that is because I've been there. Cloud nine was so far below me I could barely see it. I was floating! Here was the most beautiful woman I'd ever known and she liked me!!!!
She was sweet, she was funny, she was exciting, she laughed, and she was intelligent!

And she liked me!!!!

My roommate was not so happy when I told him, but who cares eh? What was I supposed to do? Not see her because he had a crush on her?

I'd heard for months about the dangers of rebounding, but like everyone else who rebounds, I was certain I had everything in control. This was real right? I could feel it!

The worst day of my life was the day I met her.

Eight years ago a friend of mine, Jeremy,  was visiting a country in northern Africa. While exploring a small village he came across a sightless elder lady, living in a hut, and taking care of twenty children. He asked his guide what her story was and he was told that she was a Gogo, or Grandmother, and the children's parents had all been died of AIDS.

This lady had gathered these children to her because there was no one left to care for them. She had no more food available to her than she'd ever had and struggled to feed everyone in her care. Jeremy went back to his hotel and discussed the situation with his wife, Jennifer.

The next day he bought enough cinder blocks to construct an actual home for her, with several rooms to contain the children.  Not having any experience in building he hired local men to assist, and he left Africa knowing that he'd made a difference, but wondering how it really mattered in the face of an entire AIDS epidemic.

Two years later Jeremy and Jen returned to the village only to find that the Gogo now had two hundred children and had massively outgrown her home. Out of her need, Ten Thousand Homes was born. Jeremy's dream is to build ten thousand homes and to be supporting 100,000 orphans by the year 2010. In the face of the millions of parentless children, this may seem ineffective, but Ten Thousand Homes feels its better to have an affect on a few, than to do nothing at all.

Jeremy and Jennifer Price are missionaries associated with YWAM, (Youth With a Mission). Their dream is to provide housing to AIDS orphans in every country in Africa. To establish supply lines to those homes. To work with other charity Organizations and ensure that said orphans receive medical attention and education so that they can understand and avoid becoming victims of AIDS themselves.

Ten Thousand Homes is based out of South Africa, specifically the town of Masoyi, near the Krueger National Wildlife Refuge and the Africa School of Missions. If you were to look on a map, Masoyi would be very near Nelspruit and White River.

Amazingly enough, within 30 minutes of this AIDS ravaged refugee camp is a fully civilized town containing a very modern mall with every store we expect in our American shopping centers.

Masoyi is very representative of South African refugee camps. Fifteen years ago hundreds of thousands of Mozambique tribesman fled their country in the face of inter-tribal genocide. They crossed over the Krueger Wildlife Refuge suffering massive casualties. They had been told that they would be safe from the attack of Lions if they would travel while beating pots and pans, but instead, the lions learned to recognize this cacophony as an alert to their location and killed and ate hundreds of them.  After finally reaching the far side of the Wildlife Refuge, they gathered what materials were on hand and built a village. Today their population stands at 200,000.

Being refugees, they have no rights under South African law and cannot get jobs. Neither can they apply for help though the nation's government. They exist on subsistence, eating fruit and gardening. Meat is almost non-existent in their diet.

• More than nine hundred adults die of AIDs every day in South Africa, leaving an average of 2700 new orphans.
• The average home is lead by a child who's average age is 13. These have become known as "Child-Headed Households".
• 75% of the children will have AIDs by the time they are 18.

Ten Thousand Homes works in conjunction with several other agencies to provide support for AIDs ridden Communities.

• Hands at Work in Africa is a Christian-based organization consisting of volunteers who donate their time to construct orphanages and other buildings in several African countries.
• Masoyi Home-based Health Care is a local agency employing native African nurses that enter the community meeting medical needs in the homes of patients too ill to make it to clinics.
• Footprints in Africa is an organization created by a young, Australian woman, who's dream is to take the "footprint" that has worked so well in the Masoyi community and rebuild it in every country on the African continent.

I visited Masoyi two years ago as a volunteer for Ten Thousand Homes and my life was changed. As a recent divorcee it was very therapeutic for me to be in a situation where I was working for someone else. Its amazing how blessed you can be by doing something for others.

I've been a semi-professional photographer for 15 years and I took over 2500 images while there. The children were amazing subjects and the landscape leant itself wonderfully because of the proliferation of strong base colors.

While we were laying slabs and putting together cinder block homes in South Africa, Madonna was making headlines in Malawi by adopting an orphan. Its a large continent, but still part of a small world.

The average home has a cost of $3000 to fully construct, all received via donation.

This is an amazing chance to be a part of a life-changing adventure. For more information, please see the links below:

www.tenthousandhomes.org

http://www.compassiondts.com/

http://www.handsatwork.org/south-africa/

If you've got a Facebook.com account, you can join http://apps.facebook.com/causes/88094?m=d6e8348b . Its the tenthousandhomes.org cause application.

Legs crossed, sitting on the floor.
I remember.
It was her smile.

Never mind her beauty.
Nevermind her style.

It was her laugh.

It was her glow that kept me,
that made me want to know.

Even then you were special.
Complex, I was always on my toes.

Just your skin, the glow within.
Just your lips, your hips,
your joyful grin.

Your arms, your legs,
your graceful back.
Your hair, so fine.
Your eyes, like mine.

All wonderful,
All beautiful.

All trivial.

Its your child-like dancing nature that makes you desireable.
Its your inquisitive little girl that makes you who you are.

Eyes wide, heart huge, voice filled with excitement.

I want more.

Independent and yet so dependent.
A graceful spirit pulls, pulls, pulls, like a magnet.

Your words never cease, they flow. Sometimes turbulent, sometimes peaceful.
Always a window.

Sharp tongue belies soft heart.
Hardened by choice,
softened despite it.

Which is you? I think I know.

I remember you, you make me break things.
I dream to repair what Ive broken.

Give me your heart.

Trapped inside me, hidden from sight.
Christ's plans unknown, they fill me with fright.

My heart is a new one.

The Holy Spirit fills me, I am no longer a void.
Like a spring breeze flowing from my head to my toes,
I can feel his presence.

I raise my hands heaven-ward, praising the trinity and giving thanks.
As Always, he has brought me through. Brought me forward.

Brought me closer.

My mess is his test.

Everything for his purpose; to form me to be more like him.

My race is not on pace with God's grace.
His timing will always win. Rejoice! The reward is better!

Right makes might. Lay your wars down for your Father to fight.
To surrender is to win. Forgive again and again.

I wandered alone before my heart was Christ's home.
But not now. Now I am guaranteed to be freed.

To succeed.

I have a heavenly deed.

That lot will be mine. A beautiful home with streets of gold.
My job will be to worship HE who is SO worthy.

But here and now he teaches, preaches, impeaches me.

Let his light Go!

Open the blinds on my soul and let his word show.

He has broken something whole and the result is better.

Bent until the glass breaks. Everything was for my good,

Even my mistakes......

The reaction inside, impossible to hide.
Light bursts forth, brighter than any wick.

My job here on earth,
To be God's glowstick.